SuperPope: ex Cathedra

The Da Vinci Code

Thought I'd come out of hibernation real quick to make sure you're all aware of something:  Dan Brown's book "The Da Vinci Code" is a load of ridiculous drivel.  It is not "historical ficton".  It is fiction based on lies based on fiction.

Dan Brown claims in his book that the Dead Sea scrolls are early Christian writings and invalidate the gospels in the Bible.  In actuality, the Dead Sea scrolls predate the birth of Christ and have nothing to do with the New Testament, so Dan's statement of "truth" is an outright lie.  He also claims that the Dead Sea scrolls were originally discovered in the 1950s.  Try Googling the Dead Sea Scrolls.  It is common knowledge that they were first discovered in 1947.  Did this man do ANY research?

But my favorite error in The Da Vinci Code is when one of the characters claims that a reference in the gospel of Philip proves that Mary was Jesus' wife.  The character says, "As any Aramaic scholar will tell you, the word companion, in those days, literally meant spouse".  Sorry Dan.  The gospel of Philip (which is itself a known fake) was written in Coptic, not Aramaic, and the word for "companion" in Coptic literally means "companion".

It always intrigues me to see how quickly someone who hates Christianity will latch on to any silly conspiracy theory that proposes to invalidate it.  Case in point:  Any theories about Christ having a relationship with Mary Magdalene are groundlessly extrapolated from late texts (third century or later) that are known to be bogus...that's why they're not in the Bible.  So while people discount what the Bible says about Christ -- even though most of it can be dated to within 50 years of his crucifixion and is known to be faithful to the original writing -- they'll readily accept absurd plots from texts written by kooks pretending to be Christ's contemporaries centuries later.

You have no idea how sick I am of hearing people say, "It's just a good mystery novel."  No, it's not.  It tells a fictional story while pretending to reveal the "fact" that Jesus Christ ran off to Europe and had a child with Mary Magdalene.  So at best it is "just a good mystery novel that directly attacks the deity of Christ."

Oh, I see.  No harm done, then.

I'm not really concerned that this movie will damage anyone's faith, though.  My thinking is this:  If you already think Christianity is a joke, you'll see this movie as validation of your beliefs.  If you don't often use your brain, you might like the movie and just keep living in ignorance.  And if you're a Christian, hopefully you'll just dismiss it for the nonsense it is and get on with your life.

More Sith-Bashing

I’ve been getting a lot of flak for saying that “Revenge of the Sith” was for the most part a steaming pile, but it seems I’m in good company. Although my review focused more on the movie’s failure to adequately complete the story, I’m glad to see that others noticed the absurdity of Obi-Wan’s “Only a Sith deals in absolutes” remark. Take this excerpt from the article “No Faith in This Force” by Orson Scott Card (yes, that guy who wrote “Ender’s Game”):

But in a pivotal scene, Obi-Wan says what amounts to the same thing: “Only a Sith deals in absolutes.”

Isn’t that odd? The only thing both sides agree on is that people who believe in absolute good and evil are bad!

I suspect that Lucas realized, after writing "Good is a point of view," that all his friends actually believed that. So he had to make it clear that moral relativism was the right way after all—so he had Obi-Wan say that absolutism was a Sith thing, even though in the actual story, the best of the Jedis show an unbending commitment to absolute Good.

It’s a terrible thing, I suppose, for a writer to invent a religion and then discover that he and all his friends are on the wrong side of it.

Read his full article here.

Also worth reading is this blog post, which I have commented on. Notable among his complaints against the film is “Anakin’s unbelievable, immediate shift from doubt to disgust to obedience.”

I wholeheartedly agree.

Review: Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (Movie)

I have said all through the prequel Star Wars Trilogy that I would reserve judgment until the story had been completed.  I have been one of George Lucas’ most committed defenders.  After all, it’s his story for him to tell as he sees fit.  Well, this morning at 2:30 AM I finished watching the final installment.  After twenty-seven years of wondering how these events had transpired, the wait was finally over.

I was disappointed. 

I know the day after is probably too early for me to really make a fair judgment.  I was tired and feeling especially cynical as I watched the movie…I couldn’t seem to get myself out of “critique mode”, but at the moment I feel like I waited twenty-seven years expecting a present, only to be patronized and slapped in the face.

Below are spoilers.  I’ll now invoke the standard web notification of this fact.

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SPOILER ALERT!!!
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Here are my major qualms with the film.

Anakin turned to the dark side because he had a dream in which Padme died in childbirth.  The problem with this is that she only died in childbirth because he joined the darkside in order to find a way to save her because he had the dream!  That’s a paradox.  The fact that he saw the vision couldn’t be the cause of the vision coming to pass.

Secondly, too much of the movie was spent watching sweeping shots of landscape as ships landed and took off.  Like in Episode II, action scenes were separated by dry and mostly unnecessary dialogue.  And compared to the duels in Episode I and II, the choreography in this film was incredibly sloppy.  There were very few “wow” moments where someone did something amazing.  Often, in fact, it looked like characters had no idea how to hold a sword (Dooku, Palpatine, and Windu).

There was no reason to include Kashyyyk in this film other than to show us some wookies.  It was a pointless diversion.  Although I did enjoy it, it had absolutely no bearing on the plot.  When you’ve got so much story to tell and only two hours to do it in, your time might be better spent elsewhere.

In the end, Owen and Beru Lars stare off into the sunset immediately after being handed baby Luke.  Why?  What are they looking at that’s so important?  Is this just the standard sunset procedure for Tatooinians?  How forcedly-melodramatic can you get?  I personally think the movie should have ended on a shot of Vader and Sidious standing in a hall filled with devoted followers…sort of an anti-medal ceremony from Episode IV.

But the greatest offense this movie makes in my opinion is the pervasiveness of moral relativism.  It seems like Lucas waited until he had nothing to lose before he decided to shove his ill-conceived worldview down our throats completely.  Even the opening scroll tries to tell us that there really are no good guys and bad guys…just different choices and points of view.

This horribly bankrupt philosophy comes to a head when Anakin says to Obi-Wan, “If you are not my friend, then you are my enemy.”  This is almost a direct quote of Jesus Christ from Matthew 12:30.  And how does Obi-Wan respond? 

“Only the Sith speak in absolutes.” 

In other words, Anakin (and by extension, Jesus) was the worst kind of evil because he believed in absolutes.  If I were Anakin, my reply would have been, “Are you absolutely sure of that, Obi-Wan?”

The Star Wars universe is one in which the battle lines have always been clearly drawn between Light and Dark.  Does Lucas really expect us to swallow a relativistic paradigm within the framework of his dualistic universe?  It’s absurd.  Stick to the special effects shots, George.  Leave religion and ethics to somebody who has a clue what they’re talking about.

Alright, look.  In order to make an accurate prequel, Lucas had a very short list of things he had to show us in order to maintain continuity based on dialogue spoken by characters in the original trilogy.  He succeeded in showing us that Anakin was a great pilot before he met Obi-Wan and that they did fight together in the Clone Wars.  Beyond that, he failed to accurately sync the movies up with these lines:

1) Obi-Wan: “Vader was seduced by the Dark Side of the Force.”
Was he?  It looks to me more like Palpatine tricked him into taking the dark path.  Anakin signed up based on the belief that he would be saving his wife from the future he saw in a vision and serving the greater good by stopping the “power hungry Jedi” from taking over.  Palpatine orchestrated a situation in which it looked as if Mace Windu was attacking him out of pure greed, and Anakin made a rash decision.  This turned him into a raging monster who would slaughter children on command?  I don’t buy it.

2) Obi-Wan: “…and he was a good friend.”
Was he?  The movies do not show Anakin and Obi-Wan ever really getting along.  Mostly Anakin is defying Obi-Wan or complaining about the way he treats him, and Obi-Wan is often condescending (Especially in Episode II).

3) Obi-Wan: “Vader hunted down and murdered the Jedi.”
No, turns out he didn’t hunt down or murder any Jedi.  He simply killed a bunch of Jedi-in-training children who were left helpless in the temple.  The Clone Troopers killed most of the Jedi, and Palpatine killed the rest.

4) Luke:  “What do you remember of your Mother?”  Leia: “Mostly images, really.  My mother died when I was very young.  She was very beautiful, but sad.”
Up until Lucas killed Padme in childbirth, who would have assumed that this speech was about Leia’s adoptive mother on Alderaan?  Of course, this wasn’t his original intention when he wrote Return of the Jedi.  Padme would be the mother with cause to be sad, and there would be no point in mentioning that her adoptive mother died when she was young.  Lucas fudged it in the prequel because he couldn’t figure out how to pull it off, I guess.  Still, the juxtaposition of Anakin’s transformation into Darth Vader with Padme giving birth was pretty cool.

In my mind, there are several things that could have made this movie much better.  A more believable fall for Anakin, Qui-Gon appearing as a Jedi spirit instead of just being spoken of by Yoda (which would have still been a deus ex machina anyway), seeing Yoda arrive on Dagobah, and maybe Vader in his suit doing SOMETHING other than give the stereotypical “scream of mental anguish” and looking out a window.

I’m being very critical, I know that.  It’s just a movie, I also know that.  It was an okay film, and I might even come to really enjoy it with time and subsequent viewings, but with a little more effort on the part of George Lucas I think this had potential to easily be the best movie of the six.  As it stands today, I think I need to watch The Empire Strikes Back, if only just to remind myself why I fell in love with this series in the first place.

One month from today...

Revenge of the Sith Trailer

As I’m sure most of you are aware, the much anticipated Revenge of the Sith trailer was released to Star Wars Hyperspace subscribers and AOL users yesterday, November 4th.  In case you didn’t see it, I’ve got SnagIt, so I made a few screenshots.

The highlights:  Vader rising from a table Frankenstein style, Chewie and a hoard of other Wookies, ship-to-ship combat in the sky above Coruscant, Padme with Leia-style hair, and snaggle-tooth Darth Sidious swinging a lightsaber.

Nearly half of the trailer is spent showing old footage, signifying how it has all been leading up to this.  We are really just teased with some small bits of information, but it is a satisfying tease.

I am guessing that Yoda is on Kashyyyk in the shots where he is shown.  He’s indoors, but the architecture reminds me of the bases on Endor.  Another shot shows Threepio (now golden) and Artoo standing in a hallway that is very reminiscent (if not identical) to the one in which we first see them standing in A New Hope.  Hmmm…

Evidently there’s an entire planet of lava and volcanoes in this film.  So the circle is now complete, with a planet representing every different possible climate now in the series.  Here’s a quick rundown:

Tatooine (desert)
Yavin (jungle)
Hoth (tundra)
Dagobah (swamp)
Bespin (clouds)
Endor (forest)
Coruscant (city)
Kamino (ocean)
Geonosis (canyon)
Kashyyyk (more forest with bigger trees)

What planet did I leave out?  Naboo.  The “Mediterranean Europe” planet is the best label I can find for it.  It’s got seas, plains, swamp, forests and cities, so it’s an oddball for the Star Wars universe.

Anyway, I’m looking forward to the film.  If you want to see the trailer on the big screen, just go see The Incredibles tonight.

Review: Star Wars VI DVD

I had forgotten about many of the special edition additions to Return of the Jedi. The old song performed at Jabba’s palace (Lapti Nek?) has been replaced with a new one, complete with a new “male” vocalist in addition to Sy Snoodles and a female Greedo…I forget the name of their race.

The only notable special effect repairs in this one are the removal of Anakin’s eyebrows in the scene where Vader’s helmet is removed and the swap out of the old Anakin actor as a ghost for the young one. Lucas’ explanation is that the young Anakin is how he should appear because this is how he looked when he “died” as a Jedi. It seems a bit odd and out of place to me, but I suppose it does tie the six movies together a little bit.

Also added is footage of people celebrating on Naboo after the Death Star’s destruction.

I still hate the new ending music during the celebration that replaces the Ewok victory song. At the point where it shows the Jedi spirits, the original music swelled into an emotional moment, like you had been momentarily pulled away from the celebration to see something important and sublime. The new music falls flat, doesn't do this pivotal scene justice, and really kills its impact.

People downplay this movie, chiefly because of the Ewoks. I was nine when this movie originally came out. I think I was part of Lucas’ target audience at the time, and frankly, I never had a problem with the Ewoks. I think people who complain about them are trying to somehow cling to the idea that these films are “deep” and “mature”. They’re not. They are action figure revenue generators with a shallow moral about a Buddhist concept of good versus evil. They’re fun and imaginative, but they are not high drama. Get over it.

Those of us who grew up loving these movies seem to have forgotten how different our expectations were as children. All of these movies have bad acting. All of them have huge leaps in the characters’ relationships between films that don’t seem justified (especially between Empire and Jedi, because almost no time has passed). These films are to be enjoyed, not deified. They are ground breaking science fiction films from the standpoint of special effects and creating a believable universe that rally pulls you in.

After watching Episodes 4-6 again, I am now much happier with episodes one and two, and I really can’t wait for episode three.

Review: Star Wars V DVD

Last Friday night and Saturday morning I watched The Empire Strikes Back on DVD. Sid actually watched a good portion of it with me (he was particularly interested in the "snow dinosaurs" and Yoda).

The special effects in "Empire" are leaps and bounds above those in "A New Hope" anyway, so there aren't nearly as many improvements and fixes in this one. A few notable changes:

The bug-eyed, goofy looking emperor in the hologram conversation with Darth Vader has been replaced by new footage of the correct actor. It seems a little odd to see one hologram in the original trilogy that doesn't look like a double exposed photograph of a 1950's TV screen, but it's not really that out of place.

Luke no longer screams when he falls of his own free will to the bottom of Cloud City. I had always thought that was a little goofy. I guess the foley artist saw a falling person and couldn't resist inserting a canned scream in the original version.

All of Boba Fett's lines have been redubbed by the actor who played Jango Fett. This is a logical change.

When Slave 1 blasts off after the Falcon, its engines sound exactly like they do in "Attack of the Clones". I don't recall it sounding like that before, but I could be wrong.

I love this movie, and it seems that most people agree that it is the best film of the series. A few lines seem goofier now that I'm an adult ("laser brain"?), but overall it still holds up after all these years. I'm glad to finally have it on DVD.

Review: Star Wars IV DVD

I watched the DVD release of “Star Wars: A New Hope” last night. Thankfully, most of the rumored edits have not been made, but fortunately some of them have. The sound effects are in 5.1, matte paintings have been digitally improved, color quality has been brought into the 21st century, and there’s not a speck of dust to be seen. Greedo still shoots first, but only barely. Jabba looks great, but his scene still should have been left out. I think the dewbacks have been re-rendered. But best of all, lightsabers are clear and brightly colored and correctly appear every time someone is using one (Obi-Wan’s doesn’t disappear, and Vader’s is not a plastic stick as he approaches the blast door following Kenobi’s death).

I’m happy with these changes, as they only improve the experience. However, Han’s digital dodge of Greedo’s blast and stepping on Jabba’s tail really look horrible and herky-jerky. I don’t work for ILM, but I think I could have done a better job. If not, I wouldn’t have published my results.

I’ll watch “The Empire Strikes Back” (undeniably the best installment in the whole series) as soon as I can and post my thoughts at that time.

Review: Alien Vs. Predator

We've entered an era where we expect too much from our movies. The hype is hyped, the expectation levels are set way too high, and we enter the theater believing we'll exit two hours later as a completely changed person. As such, we're never satisfied and ask, "what has happened to movies these days?"

Such is the case with Alien Vs. Predator. I saw it for the second time tonight, and I liked it better than the first time. However, all of the reviews are complaining about the lack of character development and how absurd the story is. I think they're missing the point.

First of all, if you want character development, watch the six Alien and Predator movies. That should pretty much get you up to speed. Realize that any humans introduced exist simply to play host to face huggers or to be filetted by a Predator. As for the absurd story: what did you expect? If you can suspend your disbelief long enough to buy the concept of alien hunters and face-hugging space parasites, what's so hard about believing they have a pyramid buried under Antarctic ice?

Read the title of the film, folks. The sole purpose of this movie is to let us see how much havoc these two alien races can wreak when they are finally faced with worthy adversaries -- each other. I think AVP fulfills this purpose well, and even managed to surprise me once or twice.

The Village: A Surprise Twist in Puritan Living

I have enjoyed all of M. Night Shyamalan’s movies. “The Village” is the first one I’ve actually seen at theaters, and it has the first surprise ending that didn’t blindside me. Rather than try to objectively quantify it, I’ll give my ranking of his films in order from greatest to least favorite:

1. The Sixth Sense
2. Signs
3. The Village
4. Unbreakable

Really, I can’t decide whether The Village or Unbreakable are at the bottom for me. I’ve only seen Unbreakable once, but I do remember really enjoying some of the comments Samuel Jackson made about comic books, especially his tirade to the father who was going to buy an original piece of comic art for his son.

I don’t want to spoil the film for anybody who hasn’t seen it, so I’m going to give my SPOILER FILLED CRITIQUE for those who have already seen it on a subsequent page. Click below if you’re interested.